Friday, December 4, 2015

You're Dead to Me

Dear Juan,

Even though we went our separate ways after making amends, I still cannot find it within my heart to truly forgive you. In all my years of living, I have never hated someone with all my heart. I gave you my all and expected you to do the same, which was a big mistake on my part. You took advantage of me at my most vulnerable to cut me off with no explanation whatsoever. You do not understand how angry I am that you stole a big part of me, how you made promises you knew you wouldn't care to keep, the apologies you sang to me just to shut me up, and most importantly, you made me think that you were my best friend.

I cannot describe the suffering and pain you put me through and to end our friendship with slamming a door in my face after your own few cuts and bruises. In all honesty, you really meant a lot to me. I would had done anything for you. Even after I slowly fell out of love with you, you do realize I loved you more than anyone else, right? You were my most favorite person in the world and the only friend so dear to my heart.

I hope nobody goes through what you put me through, not even the girl that you're with (even though I'm still pretty bitter about her), but that excludes you. I hope one day someone crushes your heart after you give them your all. I hope they hurt you. I hope they ruin your view of love and friendship because that's basically what you did to me.

I hope you become so depressed, you lie in bed for days, and you will feel your world crashing down.
You deserve it. You are ungrateful. You are selfish. You are too full of yourself.
And from what I've observed the past five months is that you only care about the world that revolves around you.

I really like this guy now and he claims he likes me too, but I am very hurt to know that I have to keep  my walls up and my heart closed. I am scared to dedicate myself to someone again, whether it's love or friendship. I shouldn't be afraid to fall in love or to gain a good friendship. Because of you, I cannot truly let someone into my world.

To others, this may seem very immature, but I can assure you that I took the time to think about this entire thing. I have come to the conclusion that I genuinely feel that I have a very valid, internal reason to be upset, that you do not deserve to be forgiven for a very long time, and you very much deserve my deepest, most passionate, hatred.

I do not care if you stumble across this post or think of me the same way. For the first time in forever, I truly do not care what someone thinks of me. I have absolutely no respect for you that your thoughts, your existence, your opinions, and the stories you may share about me to other individuals mean nothing to me. My life is getting better. I can finally say I am happy with my life and I am finally breathing in positive atmosphere now. As the title states, you are dead to me. I don't need a dead person to contaminate the new, fresh, positive energy I just started to take in.

I am not angry at the fact that you are gone. I am angry at the fact that I feel very used and violated. I do not appreciate the insincerity you gave me when I was trying my best to be sincere to you. I tried my best to find it in my heart to forgive you, but it was obvious that you couldn't care less.
I don't think you recall, but back in September, I told you that your apathy can be the cause of other people losing respect for you, not just me. If only you knew how many people that you've had upset. You may think that I've spread rumors, but I assure you these people burned their bridges on their own terms and I'm going to do the same.

You stole 4 years of me, Juan Carlos Joson Torres.
I hope you're proud of yourself for using and violating me.
You just lost someone who truly, deeply cared about you,
even when it was more than she cared for herself.
I hate you with a passion.
You can burn in hell and I'll see you there.
I pray to God that one day you experience a shattered, bleeding heart.
Do not ever speak to me, look at me, or approach me.
You are dead to me. Now make me dead to you.
Do not ever come into my life again.


Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Dear Paula #2- Hey there, sleepwalker. Time to get up.

Dear Paula,
I see that things have gotten better for you since I last wrote to you. See? Everything was a strike to the heart at that time, but now it's a good memory that you can smile on. Now it's time to focus on yourself and do great things.
I've noticed things are rough at home. Just remember to breathe after all the yelling and screaming. If that's not very helpful, just daydream about things that make you happy like you always do. After that, you'll be fine. Make sure to calm your thoughts and try not to get too harsh with them. You're just caught in the moment and it'll all be fine afterwards. You've been dealing with him especially for your entire life. Be patient with him and don't let his ignorance get to you. He sees with his mouth, not his eyes.
I know you hate it there. Just ... Be patient. Yeah, I know, it's not something you want to hear, but you really need the patience. Because after college, you're flying out to live all by yourself,
where nobody can poke at you and make you hate yourself. You need a new surrounding, new air, and you'll get that soon. Just hang in there.
I see you've gotten close to some friends. It's good to see that these people matter to you and make you happy. You've been smiling at Jane Doe especially. Just remember to chill 'cause you're already freaking him out. Don't get too excited, keep your cool, and I wish both of you two a great friendship together.

I wanted to mention to you how dead you are during the day and how alive you are at night. Use that time to meditate and maybe get back to your hobbies. When he broke up with you, you abandoned yourself along with your hobbies. Pick up a composition notebook again and write down that story or maybe draw some of your fandoms again. You're being lazy and you just left these broken pieces on the floor. Pick them back up, damn you! That's why you're so dead during the day. Jesus.
Make tomorrow different. Actually get out if bed when you wake up instead of staying there for another 3 hours until the afternoon until it's time to go do important things. Go jogging during the sunset or maybe the morning. Eat healthy. Visit Nya- Nya and play with him 'cause I know you miss him a lot. Making time to visit your kitten isn't entirely enough, but it's something. Go watch the sunset with your friends and have dinner after. Go to the liberation parade and visit the carnival with friends. Sell all your shit you've been meaning to sell. Stop being so dead during the day, change up your life, and live! You're complaining, but the only thing stopping you is you. Before, all this lying around was because you were moping over that break up and that was okay at that time. Now, you've gotten so comfortable with lying around that now it's just laziness. Pick up the pieces and let's go on that adventure! It's time to be truly be happy again 'cause you deserve better than just being dead during the day.
Make sure to focus on yourself and what's best for you. If people can't handle some parts of you, stop wasting your time to make them like you. You can't make the entire world happy, so the least you can do is flip your hair at them and keep skipping ahead. If they don't like what they see, you can't help it to be you. If you aren't hurting anyone in any way, you're doing just fine and that's when you see that they're the problem, not you.
Glad to see you're back on your feet. Now all you need to do is start walking forward instead of walking in circles. You're never going to find anything new in that path. If you do that, life will be fun again.
I wish you well and good luck with everything.

Yours truly,

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

40 Mori Girl Summer Activities

Summer is here! That means less layers and a lot of heat beating down on you. Where I live, summer is everyday, so I'm quite used to it.
However, the heat isn't all that bad. You get the chance to wear big sun hats, tie your hair up in cute pony tails, and to dress in Hama Kei. If you didn't know, Hama Kei  is a cousin related fashion of Mori Kei (Hama 海辺  means "Seashore" in Japanese), but with a beach theme. Read more about Hama Kei here.

On a side note: A friend of mine gave me a bag of star shaped sand called foraminifera. They're absolutely gorgeous and she found them on one of the beaches here. I'm definitely going to get more star sand and put them in a special jar.
As a forest dweller, you wonder what are some things a mori girl can do during the summer. I have created a list of things to keep the typical forest girl occupied during such season. Enjoy!
  1. Visit your thrift store
  2. Coordinate summer outfits (Click here to see how to coordinate in the summer)
  3. Try out different sun hats
  4. Incorporate sailor themed stripes to your outfit
  5. Visit the beach in your favorite mori summer outfit
  6. Do the Mori Girl 30 Day Question Challenge (Click here for challenge)
  7. Do more Mori Girl Challenges (Click here for more)
  8. Have your hair up in a high pony tail or braid (tie it up with some ribbons or lace)
  9. Buy a folding fan for the heat. Choose one that best fits your coordinate
  10. Watch some vintage movies
  11. Relax by the ocean/ lake
  12. Collect shells
  13. Taking a nap on a hammock
  14. Star/ cloud gazing while lying in the grass
  15. Watching the sun set
  16. Watching the sun rise
  17. Pick wild flowers, press and save them in a scrap book
  18. Swim in the ocean/ lake
  19. Go for a hike or walk on the beach
  20. Walk bare foot in the sand/ grass
  21. Read an underground novel
  22. Create your summer playlist (Click here for my mori summer playlist)
  23. Dress in Hama Kei
  24. Write a message in a bottle and send it off
  25. Fly a kite
  26. Go for a bike ride
  27. Feed ducks/ birds
  28. Spend some time in the library
  29. Do some crafts (embroidery, knitting, jewelry making, doll making, etc.)
  30. Have a early morning walk by lake/ ocean
  31. Try different teas and herbs
  32. Draw or write out in a quiet park or beach/ lake
  33. Try out different natural ingredients for treatment (hair, face, skin, etc.)
  34. Create a mori summer scrap book
  35. Visit a historical site or museum 
  36. Have a picnic in a calm, quiet place
  37. Berry picking
  38. Summer cleaning
  39. Send a a summer themed package to a penpal
  40. Visit the forest and carve your name on a tree

Sunday, April 12, 2015

I'm Learning to Accept It

    Hello! It's been a LONG time since I posted up on my blog. I didn't forget about it, it's just that so many things have been happening since 2015 started and I was very tempted to make posts talking about my issues; however, when it comes to the internet, I have a certain filter in my head to prevent me from revealing personal things about myself and that filter was even applied to my blog. I have to keep in mind that sometimes it's okay to have some kind of journal on the internet. To some people, twitter or Facebook are their daily journals and to others have a certain filter of what to share and what not to share, and really either one is okay!
    I want to talk about me and my friend. It's something I chose not to share about myself on the internet because I was still hurting. He broke up with me in early February and I had a hard time coping with being alone, especially because we dated for almost 3 years and he's been part of my daily life for four years. I would constantly ask myself what was wrong with me or what I did. The answer is, I didn't do anything. He just lost feelings for me. I failed to realize that's life and we're just better off as best friends. Sure, I am still madly in love with him, but I guess this break up was meant to be. He even told me that someone else would come and love me more than he did and that surprised me! Because I know he loved me a whole lot and it's so hard to imagine someone that would love me more than he did. If it's more than his previous love for me, that must be a whole lot! It made me sad, but it also made me realize someone better would come along.
    At first I was extremely upset with him because it was almost our 5th year of dating and he suddenly looses feelings for me? I mean, how can that even happened?! When my friends found out this, most of them had the same mindset as I did and felt my anger and pain. But now that I've come to realize things, it's nothing to be upset about. It just means it wasn't meant to be and that's okay! It's life. My friend is such a funny, kind, and an amazing person that it's just so hard to hate him. I can't blame him for something that was meant to happen. I consider myself lucky actually. People tend to hate on their exs, but I'm still friends with mine. It was somewhat not the wisest choice to make at first, considering I was still hurting and needed some time away, but everything is fine now and I'm happy.
    I'm still in the process of accepting all that has happened and it's still hard to believe that we're not dating anymore, but yesterday we went to prom together. We had so much fun! I mean, there were times where I would try to hold his hand and I would cling to his arm as I would express my feelings for him in a joking way (even though we both knew it was how I really felt), but the whole senior prom event helped me strengthen my relationship with him and it helped me take a step to accepting that we're better as friends. I mean, while everyone slowed dance, I took him up on the dance floor to slow dance with him too, but we ended up jamming to the music as if we jamming to rock, bumping into everybody, swinging our arms around, and I ended up dipping him in the dance, but then he was just so heavy he fell down and I almost went down with him (it was so embarrassing 'cause we just ruined the mood for all these couples, but then now that I think of it, it's so funny). In the photo shoot, all these couples were being so romantic in their lovely dovey poses (don't get me wrong, a lot of them were so cute that I even complimented their pictures), but when it came to us, we couldn't help but to make silly faces and laugh a lot, which made everyone watching us laugh along too.
    It was a fun night and it helped me accept our friendship more. Now I kind of understand why people say not to date your best friend. Since he broke up with me, our friendship wasn't really the same anymore and even he is in the process of learning to be single. He in a way is also not over me, but he still feels that we are better together as friends and I agree. This happiness may not be like when we were dating, but it's just a different kind of happiness, that's all. I'm glad that we're best friends and I think I prefer it this way as well.