Friday, December 4, 2015

You're Dead to Me

Dear Juan,

Even though we went our separate ways after making amends, I still cannot find it within my heart to truly forgive you. In all my years of living, I have never hated someone with all my heart. I gave you my all and expected you to do the same, which was a big mistake on my part. You took advantage of me at my most vulnerable to cut me off with no explanation whatsoever. You do not understand how angry I am that you stole a big part of me, how you made promises you knew you wouldn't care to keep, the apologies you sang to me just to shut me up, and most importantly, you made me think that you were my best friend.

I cannot describe the suffering and pain you put me through and to end our friendship with slamming a door in my face after your own few cuts and bruises. In all honesty, you really meant a lot to me. I would had done anything for you. Even after I slowly fell out of love with you, you do realize I loved you more than anyone else, right? You were my most favorite person in the world and the only friend so dear to my heart.

I hope nobody goes through what you put me through, not even the girl that you're with (even though I'm still pretty bitter about her), but that excludes you. I hope one day someone crushes your heart after you give them your all. I hope they hurt you. I hope they ruin your view of love and friendship because that's basically what you did to me.

I hope you become so depressed, you lie in bed for days, and you will feel your world crashing down.
You deserve it. You are ungrateful. You are selfish. You are too full of yourself.
And from what I've observed the past five months is that you only care about the world that revolves around you.

I really like this guy now and he claims he likes me too, but I am very hurt to know that I have to keep  my walls up and my heart closed. I am scared to dedicate myself to someone again, whether it's love or friendship. I shouldn't be afraid to fall in love or to gain a good friendship. Because of you, I cannot truly let someone into my world.

To others, this may seem very immature, but I can assure you that I took the time to think about this entire thing. I have come to the conclusion that I genuinely feel that I have a very valid, internal reason to be upset, that you do not deserve to be forgiven for a very long time, and you very much deserve my deepest, most passionate, hatred.

I do not care if you stumble across this post or think of me the same way. For the first time in forever, I truly do not care what someone thinks of me. I have absolutely no respect for you that your thoughts, your existence, your opinions, and the stories you may share about me to other individuals mean nothing to me. My life is getting better. I can finally say I am happy with my life and I am finally breathing in positive atmosphere now. As the title states, you are dead to me. I don't need a dead person to contaminate the new, fresh, positive energy I just started to take in.

I am not angry at the fact that you are gone. I am angry at the fact that I feel very used and violated. I do not appreciate the insincerity you gave me when I was trying my best to be sincere to you. I tried my best to find it in my heart to forgive you, but it was obvious that you couldn't care less.
I don't think you recall, but back in September, I told you that your apathy can be the cause of other people losing respect for you, not just me. If only you knew how many people that you've had upset. You may think that I've spread rumors, but I assure you these people burned their bridges on their own terms and I'm going to do the same.

You stole 4 years of me, Juan Carlos Joson Torres.
I hope you're proud of yourself for using and violating me.
You just lost someone who truly, deeply cared about you,
even when it was more than she cared for herself.
I hate you with a passion.
You can burn in hell and I'll see you there.
I pray to God that one day you experience a shattered, bleeding heart.
Do not ever speak to me, look at me, or approach me.
You are dead to me. Now make me dead to you.
Do not ever come into my life again.

-Paula

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